I've thought about how to write this a million times or who exactly to tell first, because I'm not normally one to tell a lot about myself. I've worried about how this is going to come across. Who will judge me? Who will empathize with me? Will you think I'm crazy?
Most importantly, will you think I'm trying to just get attention?
Recently, a MONUMENTAL moment happened in my life. I suffered a panic attack that ended in a trip to the ER that changed my life.
I'm sure many of you have had them yourselves or know someone who has, so you know exactly what I'm talking about. A racing heart that beats so hard it feels like it's about to burst from your chest, tears that fall uncontrollably fast, and breathing that feels more like gasping for each tiny little breath, sucking the air in, but never getting enough.
It feels like drowning out of water. Fingers trembling, a numbness in your legs that has you praying you won't fall before you regain your senses or are able to call for help.
When I arrived at the hospital all of the tests were run to be sure things were fine with my heart. Of course they were because I have an invisible problem. If you haven't guessed it by now, it's anxiety.
After the ER doctor left shrugging her shoulders with what to do with me the nurse, who I call my angel, decided to send a social worker in. The social worker was so patient and non-judgmental with me, and I laid it all out there for her. The stress I'd been dealing with, the pain I was feeling.
In that moment, I was so tired: tired of the act. The ridiculous front that I've put up my entire life, leading everyone to believe that it's perfect. That I'm perfect, everything's just fine. For God sakes, my friends really do call me Super Mom, so it's hard to let anyone know what's really going on when they have that perception of you.
Plus, I don't like to lose control. I'm the cool, calm, collected one that everyone comes to for advice, so it doesn't look so great when the Captain loses control of the ship, if you know what I mean.
With the social worker, we worked out an action plan which required immediate intervention. The angel nurse, before letting me leave gave me her very own heartfelt story of her personal struggles, with tears in her eyes, and she gave me hope, and she reminded me all I had to live for.
She didn't have to reach out to me, but she did. I could have been just another patient to her, but I wasn't. She shared her momfluence with me, and that's where the seed was planted.
Anxiety is tricky because you realize how silly you're being, but when you're in the thick of dealing with your own sickness you don't rationalize it, you criticize it, or in my case, catastrophize it. Anxiety makes it overwhelming. It's like living your life from the outside looking in.
A train wreck you see coming but can't stop. It's hard to see that a better day is coming. Anxiety is an invisible sickness and so hard to tell who's dealing with it and who's not. However, it's the most common mental health problem. In fact, 18% of the population suffers from it, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
So, my husband and I spent the ENTIRE day on the phone with every local psychiatrist in our area begging for an appointment ASAP. Most of these places were booked out for MONTHS, but after almost giving up, we found a psychiatrist who just had a cancellation.
My story won't be told as I need to guard my family, but I will say many of us carry our scars from so long ago that we don't even realize that we're still holding on to them. It's like the strings we carry in life. The more we add, the heavier they become.
When we hold on to something heavy for a long period of time, strings start to snap! The day my strings snapped was actually my blessing. My psychiatrist calls my panic attack the best thing that's ever happened to me. It lead me to a wonderful doctor who helps me process everything that has happened in my life.
He's piecing it all together for me and making it make sense for the first time ever. The very first meeting when he said point blank, "You've been given enough ammunition in your life to kill yourself already, but you haven't," made me realize I am strong.
It validated that everything I've been through truly has shaped the person that I've become, but I don't have to let it any more. I am the creator of my life story and I want to share with you my experiences about the positive changes I'm making in my life.
He's the one who actually suggested this blog. The only way we can be truly honest with ourselves is to be truly honest with each other.
So to my friends and family, I owe an explanation. I feel like I owe you an explanation why sometimes I'm your happy light-hearted friend, and then one moment I'm reserved in a shell. It's a mind boggling complexity for someone with anxiety. At times we crave attention and others we don't want to be seen.
At times, I'm sure you've mistaken me for a b*tch or just in a bad mood, but I can assure you, it's the anxiety. Like the time I couldn't talk to any of you after white water rafting because the anxiety just took over my soul. It's a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply that at times you have to just shut down.
I know you just want me to calm down, and if it were that easy I would. My mind is my enemy and I need you on my side. You were chosen as my tribe for a reason, and I love each and every one of you.
To my readers, friends, and followers, please seek help if you feel like you're struggling with anything. Whether it is stress, anxiety, depression that you're dealing with, seek out the help now and know that you are NOT alone. Days will get brighter, doors will be opened, and with the right amount of positivity you will be given strength that you never knew you had.
xoxo, Kristen
www.momfluence.net
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