What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?

We have all had a broken heart at some point in their lives. The decision to add another person into our life and to work on what we feel will be the beginning of a wonderful chapter in our life. We put our best foot forward, pledge to do our best, jump in with both feet and pray to God, Jesus, Mary and all of the disciples that this will be the one, this will work this will be your forever. And then all hell breaks loose.

When the relationship ends we are left with the hindsight of thinking first what we did wrong and then thinking what the hell happened? We want to talk to the other person and see what they have to say but then we don’t want to talk to them, what are we feeling hurt, ambivalence, shame, frustration, probably all of that and a little more. At the end of the day, when a relationship ends the question of relationship mistakes is bound to come up. It doesn’t matter who makes the mistakes, but it happens.

Ending the relationship can be hard. Who gets custody of what we created when we were together? What happens to the good memories? What do you do when the other person doesn’t have the courage or the common sense to talk about it or to give you an opportunity to learn to provide a chance for closure? The question and the answer is found in on of the classic Motown songs recorded by Jimmy Ruffin:

"What becomes of the brokenhearted?

Who has love that’s now departed

I know I’ve got to find;

Some kind of peace of mind

Maybe……"

The answer should never be "maybe". Maybe the answer should be "soon, but not right now". Not all relationships end with a broken heart, but many end with unanswered questions and shattered dreams. Too often, there were signs along the way that the relationship was not what you needed, or one or both of the people in the relationship had grown or changed or was never fully committed to the relationship in the first place.

Most of my relationships have ended on relatively good terms. We were both adult enough to recognize what was right or wrong and were both able to move forward and wish each other well. There are times however when relationships end on not-so-good terms and people get petty and spiteful and childish. The bad endings are the ones that require the most work and follow through in putting your life and your sanity back on track.

Ultimately, in any relationship it is important to allow yourself all of the time you need to heal. How you heal is up to you, but healing requires work. Give yourself the time and attention you need to focus on the things that are important to you, your other relationships, your work, your creative outlets. Reorder your priorities and allow your self time to make the shift from what was once important to you to what can be important to you now.

Make time to do things you did not have time for when you were in the relationship. Be a little selfish, and be extra gentle with yourself, with your needs and your desires. Take the best care of yourself that you can and do not allow feelings to consume you or overwhelm you. Take the time to learn the lesson that was there for you to learn. What did this experience teach you about yourself, about others, about how you are present in relationships? What is it that you were to learn?

Finally, know that you are already ok. You may not feel it, you may think you will hurt indefinitely, but you are all ready ok, you always were.