I'm never going to top the pregnancy prank I pulled on my husband

Seventeen years ago, I was three months pregnant with my second son and staying at home raising a toddler while my husband, an active-duty marine, went to work each day. On March 31, I had a prenatal checkup at the nearby military hospital and went alone so that my husband could watch our son and I could get some much-needed “me” time.

When I came home that afternoon, my husband and I got into an argument, and although I can't remember why, I know it was big enough that we stopped speaking that day - and the next morning, when he went to work, he didn't even say goodbye. I didn't think much about the argument and I knew that it would eventually blow over.

More: 25 kids whose love notes to Dad will make you bust a gut

To occupy myself that morning, I decided to do some light housework while my son napped, and I turned on the local radio station to make cleaning less dreary.

As I was sweeping the floors, I listened to the DJs mention April Fools' Day pranks. I had completely forgotten about the day and had always wanted to play a prank on my husband. I heard the DJs tell listeners to call in to the station to have them play a prank on someone.

Jackpot! Even though my husband and I weren't talking, I knew playing a prank would be a great way to end our silly argument.

I called the radio station and got through to the DJs right away. I told them about my prenatal appointment at the hospital the day before and that I wanted to trick my husband into thinking we were having twins.

“Why not triplets?” the DJ asked.

“Sure, why not?” I answered.

The set-up for the prank was perfect. One of the DJs was going to call my husband at work and pretend to be my doctor. I gave him the name of the hospital I was seen at and the name of my obstetrician and waited eagerly by the radio to hear the prank play out.

Finally, 20 minutes after my initial call, I heard them mention my husband's name.

“All right listeners, we are about to call Corporal Salazar and tell him that his wife is pregnant with triplets.”

I was glued to the radio and already laughing. When my husband came to the phone, he sounded confused.

“This is Corporal Salazar,” he said. “Is everything OK?” 

“Yes, yes, everything is fine,” the DJ said. “I tried to reach your wife at home with the test results, but no one answered. This number was listed as a secondary contact number, so that's why I'm calling you.” 

“Test results?” my husband asked.

“Yes, the test came back this morning and it looks like you are having triplets. Congratulations!” the DJ lied.

I should mention here that my husband would have had no idea about prenatal tests, so he wouldn't have realized that none of what the DJ said made any actual sense.

“Wow,” was all my husband could say.

“Are you OK?” the DJ asked.

“Yes, I... I'm just shocked,” my husband replied. “I must have super sperm!” 

This really happened, live on the air.

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The DJ laughed and told my husband that he was right; his sperm must be exceptionally potent. I laughed so hard I almost choked at that point. Then the DJ asked my husband what he planned on doing with three babies.

“Shoot, I don't know. We can barely manage the one we have,” my hubby replied. Way to make us look like crappy parents, babe.

“You know,” the DJ said in a low voice, “I know someone. He could get you $10,000 per baby if you'd be willing to sell them.” 

This bit was all improvisational on the DJ's part. I hadn't thought of asking to sell my imaginary triplets, but was eager to hear what my husband would say. I expected my husband to raise his voice in indignation, to scold the so-called doctor and ask how dare he suggest selling our babies.

Instead, my husband said this: 

“$10,000, huh? Hmmm.” Apparently, my husband needed a moment to mull over the idea of selling our offspring for cash. After an unusually long, awkward pause, the DJ finally broke the silence and informed my husband that not only was it a prank, but that he was live on the air and thousands of people were listening.

“Oh God,” my husband replied. “Who set this up?” 

“Your wife, man,” the DJ replied.

“I need to talk to her!” my husband said, laughing before hanging up.

More: Her breastfeeding photo went viral, then came the death threats

He came home 15 minutes later and pointed at me. His face was red, he was laughing and could barely talk.

“I can't believe you did that,” he said.

“Well, that's what you get for not talking to me!” I replied.

He came and hugged me, kissed me on the lips and told me he loved me, and that he was sorry for arguing with me.

“You know, everyone in the battalion knows about it,” he said. “Everyone was laughing at me.”

“Even your boss?” I asked.

“Even my boss,” he replied.

The prank had been so funny that his commanding officer had allowed him to come home early. It turns out my prank was good for more than just a laugh - it got my husband a half-day off from work.

To this day, we still laugh when we tell the story, and my husband is forever vigilant every April 1 in case I might decide to prank him again.

One day, when he's least expecting it, I totally will.

Coming Clean to My Kids About My Cutting

A couple of months ago I picked up my kids from school. Like any other day, I asked how their day was.

Q told me that she cried in health that day.  I asked why.  She set it up for me and told me they were talking about good and bad stressors.  They talked about ways stress can be helpful as well as the negative side of stress.  

They talked about eating disorders, alcohol and drug use, and cutting.

She told me she started to cry when they talked about cutting ... because she knew that I did that.  "I didn't know what would be so stressful that you would cut yourself, and it made me sad ..."  Something along those lines is what she said.

I had no idea, on that afternoon drive, that would be the day I talked to my teens about cutting.

Public Domain Image via Pixabay.

Of course I'd assumed it would come up some day. Some day when they were much older, all of my kids would know this about me.  They would be mature, well past the years of even thinking of doing this to themselves.  It would be an easier conversation because they wouldn't be in seventh and sixth grade, asking about something they have so little life experience to comprehend!  

Yet here I was!  I have nothing to hide, this is a part of me, that is by no means a conversation starter nor is it anything I like to highlight, but if brought up, is something I am not afraid to talk about. 

I asked how she knew about my cutting, taking in all information, deciding in the few minutes we had, what was necessary to share.

She had read about it on my blog, a draft that has been in there forever, waiting to be finished.  It is written in one post, my "10 Things You May Not Know About Me" post.  

<

p>Awesome! After reading my one line, in that draft, she still didn't even really know what it was, until they talked about it more in depth in health.  How are we talking about this in seventh grade?  Are kids doing this to themselves so young?  Do we really need to open this door for them in seventh grade?  Of course, if she hadn't learned that piece of information about me, the whole subject may have just flown right over her head.

Sweet!  

Here we go.  How do I fit in all that I have to say, all that I have felt, all of that I have experienced, learned, into my five-minute drive home?

The answer is, I don't!  Nor do these two need to hear all of that at this point!

Because of my life experience, because of what I believe, because they are mine and I love them and know them, I want them to talk to me, about ALL things!  This thing is no different, and so we talked about it.

<

p>I stuck to, and talked about these truths for me.  

1 - Cutting is a way of coping.  

It is an extremely unhealthy way to cope, but knowing it is a way to cope, gives us power to see what it is and make a different choice.  It is used to escape from something else, that's what coping mechanisms do.  There are damaging, unhealthy ways to cope BUT there are also many good ways to escape from that same thing.  That brings me to No.2 ...

2 - Talking is the best release.

I explained my own triggers, feeling like I don't have the words to express myself, not feeling understood, or feel confused by what I am feeling, feeling out of control/like there is no escape.  I expressed to both of them, in all cases when I can just talk and get "it" out, whatever "it" is, I am 100 percent less likely to cut.  Talking is the absolute best release!  

And, (I told my kids) I am so proud of my kids.  They talk so much better than I did/do, so far at least!  

3 - It is ok to feel.

This was taught to me and I think I'm teaching it to my kids.  We feel things!  That is part of this experience.  Trying to get through life without feeling sadness, anger, anxiety doesn't work.  Telling yourself that something is wrong, because you feel this way only creates emotional distress!  We talked about feeling things and being honest with it.  Honoring those feelings, releasing them into the universe gives us freedom!  

If you need to cry, cry!  If you need to be physical, punch your pillow or go for a run, throw a ball into my mitt!  If you need to scream, do it into your pillow, let it out!  If you need to write, do it!  If you need to talk, I am always here, you can kneel down to pray as well, or go to someone else you trust.  Honor those feelings, because they don't magically dissapear!  

It was an interesting experience for me, and I'm sure for them.  

We talked candidly.  There were just a few questions at that point.  They each told me what they have done/do when they get really mad and frustrated.  We came up with healthy things we can all do to relieve stress and negative feelings, when we feel them.

We ended with big, reassuring hugs.  It was a new feeling to be on the receiving end of the reassuring hugs from my kids!

I want my kids to share things with me!  I want my kids to trust me and be able to talk to me, and come to me with things that are hard, embarrassing, things they are sorry for, things they question.  I want it to be safe for us to talk.

This day caught me off guard!  This was a issue of vulnerability for me.  This is a facet of me that demonstrates I don't always have it all together, that I indeed make mistakes, that I haven't always handled life in the best way.

Of course my kids know I'm not perfect, but as they grow and mature, as we get to know each other better, I'm sure they will see the "dark and twisty" I've overcome in becoming "bright and shiny" (Grey's Anatomy fan here).  I hope that my honesty becomes a tool for them.

I hope that sharing this part of me, being honest about it, has built a bridge of trust between me and my kids.  If I want my kids to do it, I'd better be willing to do it too!

People who make nasty comments about marriage speak their truth, not yours

The snide, sarcastic and just plain rude comments from other people about marriage started pretty much the second after my husband slipped a ring on my finger.

"Enjoy the last few years of happiness before the kids come," one family member "joked" to us at Christmas dinner that year.

"Ready to get fat?" another acquaintance asked me a few weeks later after glancing at my ring and mustering up the least enthusiastic "congratulations" I've ever heard in my life.

About two seconds after my engagement announcement, the unsolicited marriage "advice" also began rolling in. Keep a separate checking account, one divorced woman whispered to me at a family party. While I innocently attempted to glide from table to table sipping a mango cocktail during my bridal shower and getting a buzz on, a woman (also divorced) approached me to say "congrats" and then followed up with, "Don't take his shit."

No shit. Really. Automatic buzz kill.

This year I celebrated my eighth year of marriage with a man I've been involved with for 11 years and have known for 18 years. He will never admit when he's wrong, leaves our bathroom towels all over the floor after a shower and is often so arrogantly set in his ways and opinions that I purposely throw out the most ludicrous counterarguments just to piss him off. He's also the same husband who has raced home from work with a slight fever and brushed it off to take our 5-year-old daughter to a robotics fair at the local school. He leaves random love notes for me on the kitchen counter and always calls me out when I'm about to throw in the towel on a project out of fear of failure. In other words, he's a spouse who is beautifully complex, flawed and perfect for me.

But if you judged our marriage based solely on the way some friends and even strangers describe marriage as a general concept, you'd wonder what the hell narcotic I had been abusing when I temporarily lost all sanity and agreed to marry this person.

He is going to steal my money.

He is going to look at other women, all of the time. This will start around year seven and I will have to be on my guard. Trust no one. Not your husband and not other women.

He's going to expect you to become his mother because all men are really just looking for their mothers so they can return to a state of infancy.

More: 'I'm happily married, but still wonder what could have been with my ex'

In one form or another, I have been told all of these things. At first, I would listen, nod my head and give thought to whether there was some truth to their statements. The majority of the women (with a few men thrown in for good measure) were older than me and, I assumed, wiser. My attitude began to change when one woman I know snorted after I told her I was planning on changing my last name.

"Why would you do that? You don't have to do that anymore, you know."

I immediately became defensive and started throwing out reasons why this was the right choice for me. I wanted to have the same last name as my children. I liked the idea of a common family name bridging us together - silly symbolism, maybe, but I dig it. It would make paperwork easier and avoid confusion when the kids started school.

And then I stopped mid-sentence and realized I didn't owe anyone an explanation.

"You changed your last name," I told her.

She didn't look surprised or "caught." She was a very intelligent woman who was a young teen when Gloria Steinem had posed as a waitress at the New York Playboy Club. But she had been raised in a traditional Italian family just five miles away from that club and her family still valued their girls getting married over matriculating at a college. She hadn't assumed I would gloss over the facts of her situation and, unlike me, she didn't get defensive.

"I always regretted it," she revealed. "If I could go back in time, I would have kept my name."

She and her husband had separated a few years back and were continuing to work things out. She had cheated on him. He had been emotionally distant to her for years before that. Her advice or criticism or whatever you want to call it was based on her life experiences, not scientific or factual information about what makes a happy marriage. She wasn't trying to be malicious - she was giving me all she could offer me at that time. I had the choice of accepting or refusing it (yes, I still changed my name).

More: I'm anti-marriage and anti-kids and have no problem with it - but men do

I'm older, wiser and am no longer affected by others' negative talk about marriage. Instead of getting angry when someone passes a comment about the oppressiveness of marriage, I try to remember that they're just speaking their truth. It's up to me to create my truth and, when it's my time to give "advice" to a young newlywed, I'll either keep it simple and positive or - better yet - smile and say "congratulations."

Announcing: The #BlogHer16 Closing Party Venue

Today we're excited to announce the #BlogHer16 Closing Party venue, and give you just a taste of how we'll close the conference in style.

Being in Los Angeles for the first time we wanted to bring a little Hollywood glamour and sizzle to how we close it out, and the stars aligned for us to secure one of L.A.'s hottest spots...and it's literally STEPS from the conference venue, the JW Marriott Hotel! (In other words, Mission: High Heels is a GO!)

Get ready to eat, drink, dance, and have fun at The Conga Room!

Owned by some of Hollywood's elite, such Jimmy Smits, Jennifer Lopez, and will.i.am, and catered by Wolfgang Puck, this venue is the perfect place to have the "wrap party" for #BlogHer16. Whether you are in the mood to dance, chow down on excellent high-end food, or simply relax in one of the conversation nooks, this venue has everything a #BlogHer party person could hope for!

If you are a past attendee, you may be wondering how Wolfgang Puck cuisine pairs with McDonald's fries but, as it turns out, McDonald's has fun, but different, plans for their #BlogHer16 sponsorship this year (to be announced), so we will satisfy your culinary needs another way.

Erin, Kathy and I did a tour of the Conga Room and took video, so you can see the space in all its glory. Just imagine it filled with all your conference besties packing the dance floor to get the full effect!

Here are the details we have so far:

Closing Party Location: Conga Room – LA Live
Date: Saturday, August 6, 2016
Time: 6:30 – 9:30

We'll share more as we have it.

And if you haven't already registered, you can do so here and join us for ANOTHER epic closing party.

Who's first to start the conga line to the Conga Room?

Lori Luna
General Manager, Events

Don't wait! #BlogHer16: Experts Among Us will take place from August 4-6, 2016, in Los Angeles, CA.

Register now: Space is limited.

Book your room.

See the agenda and speakers.

Sign up for the conferences newsletter for announcements and opportunities.

Follow us on Twitter.

Celebrity Makeup Artist -- Busted For Stabbing Sister With An Umbrella (MUG SHOT)

A big-time celeb makeup artist who's worked with Madonna, Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga ... got arrested after cops say she stabbed her sister with an umbrella. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ they were called to Sharon "Mama Makeup" Gault's home…

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Why is it Important to Train Your Dog?

It should be part of your duty as a responsible dog owner to make sure that your dog is trained well.  Training lessons will stimulate your puppy and will help you both to bond with one another and to create a great relationship.



The best form of dog training is where the owner rewards the dog for good behaviour from a young age.  Please don't ever think about any form of training that punishes your dog for disobedient behaviour such as using shock collars.



We suggest training classes so that you get to understand how your dog learns.  As a result the training is more mutually beneficial for the pair of you.  You get to learn about your dog and your dog develops new social skills.



It is important to find an accredited dog trainer as anybody is able to call themselves a dog trainer regardless of their level of skill or qualifications.  Bad training methods can upset dogs and result in behaviour problems.



What Makes a Good Dog Training School?



We recommend you first visit a class by yourself to make sure you are happy with the trainer and their techniques.



You should observe the puppies during training for any signs of anxiety and whether the trainer spots them and assists these dogs.  Dogs should enjoy training and if you see any sign that puppies don't look happy then find another training class.



Never attend any class that makes us of fear, shouting or hitting to train the dogs.  Look instead for reward based training using food treats and toys. 



The perfect class size is nor more than eight dogs per instructor and assistant.



A dog training class should be calm and relatively quiet.  If the trainer has to shout a lot or the puppies bark a lot it, then it is a sign of stress between the instructor and the puppies and you should look elsewhere.



For information about dog training in Indianapolis click here

The Catch haters fail to understand what Shondaland is all about

I'll admit it: I avoided Grey's Anatomy for a long time. The medical soap opera genre has never been my favorite and I didn't expect that Grey's would deviate from the norm. But I'm a sucker for quality LGBTQ representation on television, so once I heard that Callie Torres was the greatest openly bisexual character to ever grace the small screen, I knew I was in for a Netflix binge.

That binge didn't turn me into a superfan; I've only been a sporadic Grey's viewer in the years since I caught an episode for the first time. But I did develop an appreciation for the show and for Shonda Rhimes' specific brand of storytelling. What I discovered is that the illnesses of the week that plague Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital each season aren't really the point — just as the latest political maneuverings of President Fitz aren't really the point of Scandal and Annalise Keating's clients aren't really the point of How to Get Away with Murder. No. We watch HTGAWM to see Annalise's maternal affection for Wes develop. We watch Scandal to understand Olivia and Fitz's love for each other. And we watch Grey's for incredibly dynamic and complex characters like Callie Torres. (It's true, she really is the greatest openly bisexual character on television.)

More: The Catch: 7 things we already know about Shonda Rhimes' new show

So when I started reading reviews of Shondaland's latest series, The Catch, I was shocked by how many critics were bogged down by plot. "The main problem is that we’ve seen this movie many times before, down to the feds being on Ben’s tail and the suspicions harbored by his partners in crime," reads Variety's criticism. "A shred of logic means the show would be over before it starts," adds the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "[I]t fails to be anything more than a slickly filmed, appealingly casted collection of plot points telegraphed so far in advance, even Mr. Magoo could spot ’em," argues TV Line.

Um. You guys have seen a Shondaland show before, right?

Of course the plot's not original. Of course the chain of events are flawed and unwieldy. Of course the pilot was predictable. Who cares? None of that is really the point.

More: The Catch: Why I'm not excited for the highly anticipated new show

The reason to watch The Catch is to watch Alice (Mireille Enos) and Christopher/Ben (Peter Krause) as their incredibly complicated romance unfolds. On the surface, the pilot is entirely about breaking the two characters apart — Alice discovers that her fiancé, Christopher, is really a con-artist named Ben, aka the mysterious "Mr. X" she's been trying to track down for ages. Now, Alice and Ben are nemeses, trying desperately to bring each other down. These subsequent cons are likely to be the cases of the week of each new episode this season.

But those stories aren't the reason to care. The reason I'm excited to continue tuning in each week is to better understand Alice and Ben's love for each other. It feels real. It feels deep. It feels dark. There's a moment in the first half of the episode when it seems as though Ben may very well give up everything in his life to protect Alice and the sanctity of their relationship. Perhaps that's his attempt to con the audience, but I don't think it is. I think his love for her is less of an act than he'd like us to believe.

More: Shonda Rhimes' new show The Catch has its own backstage drama

Likewise, Alice's love for Ben is extremely real. She may have loved the nonexistent Christopher first, but she also loved the glimmers of Ben that existed in her fiancé. How is she going to reconcile that now that this love is her rival? If she has to destroy or kill or hurt him, will she be capable of that? Will she be manipulated into harming her friends and colleagues because of her devotion to him? How will her continued love for a man she doesn't entirely know shape her journey this season?

It's early still, but I'm loving these characters. I want to see how their relationship develops and changes over the course of the season. To me, Alice and Ben's dynamic is so clearly the heart of the show, so why would the details of the plot — which are wildly implausible, to be sure — get in the way of my pleasure? Like any Shondaland show, The Catch is about the characters and their connections with one another, and I can't wait to see how they grow as the season progresses.

Excited to watch The Catch? Tune into ABC every Thursday at 10pm/9c.